GOD IS NOT WICKED : LOVE FORGIVENESS GRATITUDE

Monday, May 25th, 2015…I’m trying to finally talk myself out of him. I’m going to make myself see through the very things I overlooked and pretended not to notice, from the sublime to the ridiculous… I’m going to be mean and harsh on myself, till maybe I can get him out of my head.

( #GodisNotWicked is what I’ve been hearing in my heart and in my ears…it’s so audible…so clear, so real and so sure… So I title this ‘God is not wicked’)

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All those times I was in denial, but my friends strove to make me see, and I said..naaa…this one’s different!

And when Jite said “this your faith, we can use it to ask God for a billion dollars, stop wasting it on someone that has moved on a long time ago”

When Ejiehi said “He doesn’t want you” after I told her his reaction to me leaving my job, when he thought I’d quit because of him.

When Amanda said “that boy is distracted…he either doesn’t know what he wants, or he’s not ready, girls won’t leave him alone and he’s probably still busy sampling” or as D* would say “philandering”

Let me be honest and bitter to myself.

Let me scold myself and tell myself the truth like I would advise a friend I wasn’t afraid to guard and protect. (There are friends you’re worried about talking to about certain red flags because they can just get mad and you may loose the friendship for a few weeks, if not forever, so you just smile and keep patting them on the back with the good’ol, “it’s going to be fine”, “he’s going through a phase”, “it’ll be ok” “he loves you,he just can’t show it”)

Emmanuel though, that was one person that kept supporting me through the tides of Freddy turbulences. O Freddy, The love of my life, the sweetest part of my life, my safest place on earth! Maybe, I think to myself, this is God’s way of letting you know that all those sweet names and titles were not for any man, or that this man wasn’t worth it…or…snap out of it…but God, that’s how I truly felt with him, I thought you had our back, I put this in your hands…I did…I trusted youuuuuu!

But really? Would God, having seen how much I loved this man let me go through this? Would God disregard all those moments I prayed, I thanked him, I cried for joy that I’d found deliverance and a miracle, Love is my miracle, I was happier than ever, I felt closer to God, I blessed God for the personality of this man and how he was so natural to be with…plus I was finally attracted to someone, someone I could see my future with, someone that seeing how we met, I trusted God for a beautiful story, happily ever after, no end!

Knowing that Myles Munroe said marriage is 5% sex and 95% living together, I was drowned in Freddy. When we talk, it’s real, it’s bliss, it’s peaceful and natural…when we’re together, it’s awesome, when we play house, it’s perfect… I had measured my peace of mind with Freddy by the way he made me feel so much comfort and safety with him. Gentle man, no drama, no trouble, well-behaved, focused (or so I thought)…but God can do all things right? God loves me, God brought him to me? God won’t let this separation happen, not like this, not to me, me God, your love. I know I hurt you sometimes but please, don’t let this happen to me…I love you God :( God is not insensitive! God is not wicked…Surely God is not this wicked…

But now that it’s happening this way, maybe I should flashback and finally read between those lines…

The very things that Love, in the way God made me, or maybe the way I’ve come to be, through my sojourn in life, would just overlook…people will be people, mortals will be mortals, nobody is perfect, they’ll change with time, we can work on this, things will improve, we can’t just dismiss people because they did XX thing… Maybe that’s not what they were thinking… Trying to make excuses, searching for the good in the mean acts…trying to keep friends close, God is love innit? I am Love, aren’t I? This name…


But there he was…the man I’d placed on a pedestal, on a pinnacle, I venerated…lol…o my life! O my love!

✗He used to ignore me on Whatsapp sometimes. Although I wasn’t always available either, people get tired, life will be long, why choke yourself up on someone you would be spending the rest of your life with anyway…good thing is, he started most of the convos…or even all…at least I know I measured his engagement with this one… But does it matter now…

✗Secondly, he put no effort into what we had, ever! Just whatsapp chats! Lol, beat that, 21st century social media madness…lol, you were his penpal…case closed…next?

✗He lacked passion! You’ve got to be crazy about me, love can’t be mediocre…Love is love, on purpose…it’s a decision you have to consciously keep making in the present, which is where we constantly are.

✗He never made plans to come see me ever!…something I had planned to do for just him many times but was scared to be taken for granted…although I risked doing it once. I like to love without calculations, just give it everything I’ve got…even if I die doing it. Love is sweet when the two of us handle it foolishly, you can keep your smarty pants for your boss or teammates at work, right here, it’s devotion, heart, time, letting down your guard, humble people make friendships work!

✗He forgot my birthday twice… (That was understandable, I’m neither of his parents, why should he remember? and my sister forgot my birthday this year too, so…people forget! Wait…I’m making excuses again right?) Lol! It’s a disease!

✗Not a single gift or gift attempt, not on my birthday, or any other day… I remember I have thought many times of sending him surprise parcels on ordinary days to work, then I asked myself, “Are you toasting him?” But that’s because distance doesn’t mean anything now in 2015 to any loving relationship, I can send u cakes, buy you lunch, send u a barber, a hairdresser, I can even come over and dance for you and return today to my Lagos…there are no excuses in the 21st century for any LDR to lacklustre, unless both parties are broke.

The church CD he gave me, I asked for it. The one thing I requested for, after he asked me “what would you want me to get for you?” And he went back all the way to the store to get it, and I thought I was sooo dear to him that he had to journey all the way back…he talked about it on whatsapp with the ‘other girl’ he was chatting with…like he was getting it for himself, why did she have to know? I’m trying to get into his head, as embarrassing as it is, it hurts me, I had to throw what was left of it away when he returned to Abuja… I felt as if insects were moving all over my body, I couldn’t stand it. The moment the guy you love or have something with consciously makes you disappear or irrelevant before another woman, just be wise, the least he could say was “I’m getting it for a friend”…lol…friend, was I ever even remotely one? Maybe she was just a chat hobby, maybe she was the new one, the next one, but it didn’t matter to me as much as knowing that I disappeared twice…lol…pinch myself… The convo is still in my head… I know I should never have but I scrolled through that chat…don’t know how it happened or what took my eyes to the parts I saw…I don’t mind chatting with other girls, I’m special, right??? And you’re not planning meet-ups, and you’re not exchanging smileys that denote affection, or intimacy… I’m special right? I reserve that for the special people in my life, I’m getting the same respect in return aren’t I? I mean, guys know I’m seeing someone, you’re loyal too right?

✗Plus, a guy that truly loves you, during this time that you’re job seeking and waiting, will constantly be on your case to find out what’s happening…what’s new? How far jobs? Where have you applied to now? Let me see your CV? How far Gourmet French? Who are your clients? What marketing tactic are you using? What’s the response like?… Just the way you were on his case for his ACCA, and the way you wanted to call him now to see if he’s got fuel amid this terrible fuel crisis.

That’s how he was when you were school-touring for Schneider back then…that’s how he was when he wanted you to keep attending Coza and he volunteered to send you cab fares, that’s how he was when he knew you had lost your Schneider job and then you told him you had an interview the following day, and he called…remember? He called your Schneider line accidentally and Collins picked, and he said he was your cousin…lol…omG…let’s not even go to the ‘cousin’ part…he could have been your friend or anything but he chose to be cousin…what was happening to him at the time? Why did he change?

✗To think he abandoned you at this time of your life???… Not saying he should be my crutch, I don’t need one, but even as a friend, like your other friends, he owes you a shoulder for support from time to time.

Normally, I’m the kind of girl who’ll say I can handle it, I’ll be fine, but no male friend, or even lover, is supposed to walk away when his girlfriend says “I can handle this”…
Unless you’re just a worthless uncaring friend… God, I need more friends like me…at least one! Please!

✗He never told me he loved me, but I fell for all the other compliments…guys don’t always like to express how they feel… (Crap! If he’s fallen for you, he’ll somehow let you know, maybe not with the L-bomb but you’ll feel it…this one was just acting like a creep, like a reality TV show host, accessing your every move while he wore a mask…letting you bare yourself inside-out while he judged…so much for “I don’t judge people”…no you don’t, you condemn on the spot!)

✗Led me on all this while!

✗I was busy loving him and all he could think of was perfection…he was judging me…evaluating me…I was being open to him about everything happening in my life but he was silent about his own life. I shared ups and downs and awkward moments with him…he shared “work was fine” “I’m in xx city” “going to get lunch now”…etc

✗Expecting something from people that you’re not willing to give. You’re not even willing to open up just a little, you don’t want to be vulnerable but you want to watch others fall…the foolish ones…but that’s not of your business right? Who asked them to fall?

✗We were together yet his friend was hooking him up…what did he really think I was? I must have been so less than, I must have been the perfect friend, the one who can bear all things, she won’t get angry, I’ll just tell her I don’t need her anymore, I know Love, she’s nice, she won’t get mad…o the hurt! All my friends know my status with Freddy, they knew he wasn’t my boyfriend but they respected my love for him, and I let the guys know I had someone in my life, was that a foolish move? I don’t think so, I was not looking for just anyone, any available guy, I had found my happy and I was praying for it to be perfect…

But now I’m baffled…what did Freddy really think I was. I’m trying to get into his head. What were you thinking Fred, what did all of this ever mean to you? I’ve gone through almost all my journals, my blogs, my tweets, I’ve seen how highly I placed you in my life, all my gratitude to God for having you in my life, but what did you think of me??? Something expendable? A placeholder? For how long has this been going on…?

✗Why didn’t you stop me a long time ago?

I was there, waiting for the relationship to be exclusive and trusting that he was as loyal as I was..silencing everyone that tried to tell me he was sampling me and others…telling the world how I had a good man and I trusted him and I was sure I meant something to him and what we had was special..but after what just happened, I can’t help but lie here and imagine how naïve I was. I said to Nnamdi “yea…one that always makes me thank God…that’s why I don’t like to tell anyone cos its just me, God and him…” (It’s a lie, I couldn’t carry it on my head cos I wasn’t sure…love doesn’t shut up, love is not quiet…lol…me, love and shut up? Even this tiny crumb of a relationship I had, my circle knew about it, not to mention if it’s exclusive…unless we have an agreement to keep it low…I’ll be super mushy and lovey dovey long time…)

But here’s the irony…

✗To him, I was just, I was the Lagos hostess, the airport pickup taxi, his secret… and maybe every weekend in his crib while I’m busy working my thumbs out on a chat, he had different women lying on his bed every weekend…I wasn’t the only one. O please get out of my imagination! I never want to think of my Freddy in this light, o but the horror! If this is true!

Maybe that Saturday morning when he rushed me out and took me home, I was obstructing traffic… His secret…

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All that trust…

I felt so safe with him…all that surrender…it’s like skydiving with a friend, but he’s wearing a parachute and he hands you a plain backpack and pushes you out of the aircraft, makes you believe he’s got you…he knew you were a fool, he looked at you with pity, but he couldn’t help giving up such a sport…it was exciting and fascinating to think that there was a fool like you existing in the world and he was lucky to have you for his personal manipulation fantasy…limited edition, what a joy!

All these years…and not a word…he had to wait till there was another branch to swing to…O Love, You placeholder you! something I hadn’t not thought of…”what if he’s lonely and asking a girl out but she’s making shakara and he’s just holding on to me till she says yes or till something better comes along…?”…standby

And now…”there’s nothing wrong” with me? (X3)

Where’s the friendship?
Where’s the romance?
Where’s everything?
What about God?
What do we believe in?
Who are we fooling?
Isn’t love our religion?
Would love do this?
How can someone you shared so much about God and life with be so…so…so not-his-faultish…I don’t want to blame him, he has his reasons…he has his reasons, I will never force love…I will rather have him enjoy loving me…let it please him to be everything he desires to be to me…

But O my heart….mummy, I’m so hurt… I’ve been hit, by the very same thing I tried to protect my girlfriends from, and prevent my guy friends from doing to their ladies.

God save me…

Did you know this? Why didn’t you tell me?
O Jesus!☹

This has little to do with long distance. Although among all the excuses he gave me, the distance bit was not lacking… A man that truly wants you would not mind distance… “My brother in L.A is still my brother” “my mother in Zamfara state is still my mother” ” my father in Abuja is still my father” “my wife in Canada is still my wife” “my friend is Kwara is still my friend” “my children in a far away boarding school are still my children” distance only break bonds for those who do not care and are not willing to put in the work to maintain the intimacy… That’s why families become estranged.

But he was always there, he was constantly in touch, why did we lack the label? Cos he wanted to be free… To keep shopping…to add to cart, who knows? Something better might come along…while I crossed my fingers and barred my heart and pictured in my heart, forever with him.

Time! Time!! Time!!!…no time to visit…o that’s a lie…people make time…work can’t be that interesting…church can’t be so hectic…so what if they are, take a vacation…”I’m available” come see me… I had to beg, and even after begging sometimes, I booked flights ahead so I could go to this ‘mountain’, and he’d tell me one story, now I’m just staring at those papers and saying Wow!

And when he’d be coming, I’d go out of my way…make sure there’s no speck of dust anywhere, get some new stuff…pimp my kitchen, grab new bedsheets, move furniture, be tired from work yet cook for his arrival, stay up late to finish my own personal stuff that I’d put forward…but the truth was, this may seem small, but it cost me a lot of time, energy, effort, I was happy to do all that…and many of the times, he NEVER showed up! I felt crushed, deflated, you know when your hopes were really up?

All the sacrifices I made that only I know about or I’m not proud to tell…all the labour, all the lies, everything to prepare for his arrival or make him stay…even when he didn’t show up…but for him, there had to be something else to bring him here, he could never come to see just me…I wasn’t worth it… O, the CAN U, it didn’t even have a date, but that was when he was going to come, it had been postponed from October, but I’ll come whenever they fix a new date… No “The Experience”, No Calabar carnival..

You’re here lying with me and flirt-texting another girl…who you with when you’re texting me?

If with everything intimate that I brought myself so low to do with you because I thought you were special, you said I was just your friend, how many just friends are we? Who else should I be worried about? When I’m kissing you, how many lips are involved?all those times you said I was your last kiss, were you being honest?

Almost every guy around here and their lack of respect for the women in their lives or for the religious positions they held in church made me want to judge you as one of them, but I held myself back…all men can’t be dogs! Freddy is different… Freddy is different… Freddy is different… I would even fall out of friendship with anyone who tried to make me think you were sampling me and other babes…lol, Akintola… I hate to say you were right…I’m sorry I screamed at you that day at lunch… But you didn’t know Freddy… It’s my fault…should have just said I wasn’t seeing anyone… That’s how it worked with Freddy right? Else why would his friend hook him up with his cousin?

If I was really special to Freddy like he said, he’d protect his interest in me, and my interest, as a lady who treasured him… He wouldn’t want anyone else near, his friends would know he had someone, they wouldn’t dare to hook him up if they saw how he valued her…but that would not be said about a guy who’s still shopping, he said I was special, he said he never discussed me with anyone, he said he didn’t have friends “how many friends do I even have?” Yet, he didn’t just stop at looking, or at hello, he clicked the button, pulling the other ‘possibles’ from the shelves… Add to Cart!☑

♥Add to Cart!

♥Add to Cart!

♥Add to Cart!

♥Add to Cart!….

I finally fell in love mum…I said I loved him to death and I had never said this about anyone else…but death was a strong word mum, I don’t know if I can take it back… I’m still in love, with a little more understanding of who I’m dealing with but I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to hate him…

Although I want to sit him down and talk to him…but he’s a man, mum…he’s a man… They don’t like the talks…that’s why I haven’t brought up any talk with him all this while… At least not in-depth… I’ve been afraid… So afraid… For nothing… Cos while I was bare-chested and loving in surrender, he was fully armed… He didn’t fall with me, he didn’t plan to catch me, I fell in love, alone…fool’s paradise…he threw crumbs at me and I leaped in the air and wagged my tail…

He would come to Lagos for other things but I’d be the same ol’ nice Love…but taking things a little too much because it was him. Playing host for a man who never saw himself as my guest…he was doing me a favour! I was his charity case.

It wasn’t like other friends don’t take me for granted and break my heart because they can’t see the sacrifice behind the results, because everything seems too easy and beautiful, some friends can think it cost you nothing to put together…but him… O Lord!


He left me at a time when I thought he was all I had left… No job, but I swam through fire to be there for you while you came to Lagos for a wedding I could never come with you to… I forewent my trip to Benin, cancelled outing with the girls that we’d been planning since ever, cos of your impromptu trip to town, snuck out of work, “my mum is waiting at the airport, I have to run, can I submit this on Monday please?”… I was in love… Wanted you to be happy, it was none of my business while you were coming…Still I wanted to come with you to the wedding, thought you’d ask me to, or insist, but you just dressed up and left, no questions, it didn’t matter, stay behind…I can’t answer questions…innit?. *smile*

It was nothing to me, I carried on…I was in love…I tried not to have any expectations so that didn’t break my heart… I was love with singing and delight, made myself believe I was loved in return…or wasn’t I?

I’m heartbroken now cos after everything, all I really wanted was for us to be together forever…to be the woman that makes you a happy man while I hang beautifully on your arms, the woman who makes you proud, while I enjoy being loved by you, being protected by you, cared for by you, and we’d make eachother laugh forever, and share dreams, and grow a ministry and pursue our ambitions and build wealth, and make fine babies and travel round the world together on endless honeymoon vacations…

I wanted to be the one you’d always talk to when you needed someone to trust! The woman who makes you wonder, when your friends are complaining about their wives, why you have nothing to contribute to that topic…cos you can’t understand what they’re talking about? That’s not the way a woman should be! You can’t understand their story! You were never gonna! You never will! I was happy to love you and by God’s grace you could have never known boredom, complain, sadness, secret regrets…that’s what happens when you love a woman who’s shown devotion to you…who’s loyal even when it’s unoffical, who’s not in love with a fantasy, who’s realistic as the sky and hopeful as the heavens…angels would envy you…I’m sure they already did! I’m sure they were wishing they were the ones who were stuck in a room full of mosquitoes…and heat…and fuel scarcity, and no NEPA, and no Mustafa…

Where do I go from here now???

I can’t even imagine kissing anyone else, I’m filled with disgust just thinking about it. Ergghhkkkkkhhh!

I was going through some of my notebooks yesterday and saw all my little notes, all the prayers for him and for us, all the God-bless-Freddys and the page where I wrote a plan for Freddy’s leisure room…HA! My husband’s lounge…in my home…hahaha…it was the dream of the child in every man, that room!… O Jesus, if it’s not Freddy, please, grant me someone I can love more naturally than this…I will not struggle to love him or reciprocate his love…someone that will make me think of Freddy and laugh and say…hahahahaha, Chinekemeh , what was I thinking???…

O no! Bipolar! Mixed emotions…I’m hurting, God, loving someone else is hard to imagine…am I in denial? You’re not gone Freddy…please call me…call me and tell me everything I need to hear…tell me everything that will assure me that all this pain is gone and will not be remembered anymore…

I forgive you…I really do, I can’t hold anything against you, I was rather mad at myself…and I forgive myself, and I’ve asked God to forgive me, to forgive you, to forgive us… I want us to get the best…only the best…to be so happy, we’ll know God cares especially for us…

❤♥

God knew how much I loved you, there was never a day I felt great about you that I didn’t blow God a kiss or thank him for this sweet gift…

“I love you like right bumbum loves left bumbum, they will never part”…awww, where did that come from? But I texted it to you…and all you could do was analyse the proximity of butt cheeks…lol, smh

Everytime I listened to Myles or Mike talk about singleness, marriage, wisdom and all the realities of being someone’s partner… It was your face I saw…

God saw all of it, every detail, every secret, every expectation, every intention… God can’t be man, God is not wicked… God saw all of my love for you… God is not wicked…maybe a lil jealous…and I apologise to God for all the times I placed your interest above my relationship with him…

Thank you Lord for counting me strong enough to go through this…thank you for all the times I was safe with Freddy, thank you Freddy for every single moment, I am more than eternally grateful, I felt love, I felt loved, I can’t deny, I can’t hate, I felt like I was close to God, every love song came to life, you gave them meaning, thank God, thank you, I love you, I love God… I’m just worried that none of you told me this was coming…but God knows best… I can’t be mad…I was more than a lucky girl, I was blessed by God’s love through you, maybe you were too pretty for me, or too cool, or I wasn’t good enough to stand by you in your photos, I probably didn’t fit your picture-perfect dreams, but I thank God for the crumb of attention that I got…and I can’t give up all those times your love made me feel so much peace in my imperfect world… Surely ‘Peace Entered’ I wanted It to stay forever…who doesn’t? Who wouldn’t? But you know your life better, you know where you’re going, so you know what your journey entails and the kind of helper that will be most suitable for you… you know your vision, I can’t force myself in… So find yourself, and find the perfect helper for that God-given dream…one thing much worse than being rejected by the man you were willing to give your lifetime to is being married to a man who isn’t satisfied and fulfilled with where he is. That’s why I’d always push my guy friends to more….to achieve more, don’t go down the line and pour your mid-life crisis frustration on an innocent girl you married when you weren’t done discovering your life’s purpose and building your career or at least kick-starting it prayerfully in the right direction.

I ask for mercy again Lord! Maybe I deserve this treatment from Freddy, maybe I deserve a better man…but I know one thing… You’ve forgiven me… You’ll bring Freddy back, You’ll bring me a better Freddy… You’re not wicked! You are a God of GRACE! that gift that’s too good to be true.

♥♥

I took this too personal, I was a little ride-or-die in a relationship that was a myth…see where I rode to…I pray this doesn’t kill me…all things are working for me, God is kind… This next prayer may be a little too foolish for those who don’t understand, but God…

I want my Freddy back…bring me a better Freddy… And if there’s one man out there who’s better than this man that made me feel my life was finally beginning, I can’t wait to meet him, to be his, to be loved by him, to be his pride, to make him feel super among other men, to enjoy being the one he shows off around the world, the mother of his kids, his partner in ministry, his confidant, his counsellor and friend, his mother’s beloved daughter-in-law, his eternal priceless jewel, his representative, his safest place on earth … I hope he exists, I pray he does,… I hope he’s the joyful harvest for all this love I’ve sown in tears,I trust that he’ll love me like Christ loves the church, like King Ahasuerus loved Queen Esther, he never liked to see her frown, I trust that like Freddy, or more, he’ll see life the way I do, he’ll strengthen me in my walk with you, he’ll be affectionate and tender, he’ll hold me all night long like I should never leave, he’ll be funny, and smart, and wise and hardworking, and rich, and enterprising, and prudent but not stingy, and God loving, he won’t take my gentleness for granted, and won’t encourage me to overlook my feelings and concerns, I hope he appears speedily…open my eyes to see beyond the natural, to see where you’re taking me, and the man whose ministry I should support, whose vision you have brought me to help and who will willingly support my own visions as if they were his.

♥God doesn’t play with love, God is love, God is not wicked, he has plans to prosper me…in every area of my life…HE IS A GOD OF PURPOSE… Heal my heart, strength of my heart..you said guard your heart with all diligence, you know I did, all these years, and I still do, with other aspects, but in this case, I let down….help me trust you to use this for your glory, help me know you are near… Hold me now!

Have mercy! For everything… Restore me to greater honour, perfect all that concerns me, help me redeem my dignity, wash away my errors! Honour my prayers, take all the praise for this moment…take this pain away, all these questions, all these talking to myself, all this getting stopped in the middle of what I’m doing to wonder “but what’s wrong with me?” “What checkboxes did I not tick?” Help me be firm when I say my approval only comes from you, my definition is in the scriptures, I am desperately loved by God, you loved me even when I was imperfect, you’re perfecting all that concerns me, you said brighter and brighter unto the perfect day!

Does he even know what this huge step he plans to take is about? Who is he trying to impress with his choice? Whose marriage is he trying to copy or avoid? Why do I want to get married? To what kind of person…has he answered all those weird questions I saw myself asking when I drew a chart some time ago and started evaluating myself and this ‘great’ guy together, imagining vicissitudes and success moments and great grand kids and a huge 80th wedding anniversary cake! Hehehe… As far as your eye can see, shey? Like I said already, he must know his vision and hence know who exactly he needs to go with on his life’s journey… wives are helpers, strong giants, more-than-able-nurses…superheroes, home makers, comforters…like Myles Munroe said, we are like the Holy Spirit, we help…we don’t come in and take control, we advise, we guide, we bring comfort and direction…

Cos really though, after everyone says O WOW! at the looks or qualifications or visible success of my husband, in the end, it’ll be just me and my choice at home, in the real life…(95 percent living together, 5percent sex…) and whoever I’ve brought upon myself, whatever I discover that I can neither change nor live with, I’d have to endure for the rest of my life… So is there someone else that sees these things the way I do?

I won’t despise your decision, there’s a perfect wife out there for you and I pray God guides you perfectly, God’s plans are better than our imaginations…God doesn’t make mistakes! God is very precise, he’s not a random God…God is perfect! And he wants only the best for both of us… Isaiah 60:17, only the best, no hand-me-downs!

Dear Lord, let this be the most hurt I’ll ever be, and the craziest pain I will ever feel…let me look back at this post weeks from now and say Wow! Look what the Lord has done! I still love you passionately Lord! If I didn’t have you and this great future, a great life to plan, and the wonderful personality you’ve given me, and this sense of humour and all these friends that think I’m awesome, or even funny, lol, and this beautiful figure, and great voice, and loving family, and good health, and passion for souls and passion for your work and too many projects, and all these testimonies and these nice boobs and a great smile and a great skin and my hymen, hahaha, I’dda been hopeless by now…thank you for grace!

He’s just another mortal, can’t make me question my faith. No need trying to work my butt out to meet the standards of another mortal, when I know they’re like dust before you and will fade. I can only do my best, I’ve been a good child to you and to the people around me….but thank God that with you, it’s grace, not of works…and this…(touches heart) it’s just love, you are Love, you have plenty of it to return to me (although I really loved this one…it took me a lot to finally love, to love like this, to love…I hope this doesn’t kill me, I feel like I poured all my love and was ready to pour more…He was a perfect fit…I pray this event doesn’t make me a damaged lady; hateful, paranoid and mad at the world, vengeful and defensive, making well-meaning people suffer for what Freddy did. I loved like a child, like someone who couldn’t swim but was in the middle of the ocean with Freddy and I just lay effortless in his arms, saying I know he’ll protect me…like flying without wings and saying I know he’ll catch me) but God, when you want me to let it go, it doesn’t make you wicked, why shouldn’t I?

Pamper me now, Hear my humble cry, heal this broken spirit, cos in every situation, I still choose to worship you! Cuddle me Lord, I’ve lost weight, I hate food…my eyes are so swollen! I feel so dizzy, my head aches!

How long does this usually last? I mean the pain… Please don’t be silent…talk to me God, I’m listening… Daddy…I want to shut up but I can’t…I have questions…Father….wh… (falls asleep)
♥♥

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